My husband and I have infertility.

I just read through my last post...This one won't be as light hearted but I was inspired to share what I have been going through. My husband and I have infertility. This is my way of letting my family know. Also, for the past couple years I have been searching for someone who truly understands, a way to feel like we are not the only ones. I hope this can help someone else who feels alone to.

Let's do some backgroud:

2008- Met the love of my life and moved to California.

2009- Married and was not preventing pregnancy, we thought, "If it happens now, great! If not right now, that's ok too." I gained an unexplained 50 pounds in ONE month. At the time I was worried but didn't realize it might have something to do with infertility. Now I think it might be hinting at a condition called PCOS which can cause infertility.

2010- Sealed for eternity in LDS Temple and was very surprised I was not pregnant by this point. Every month I thought for sure I would take a test and get a positive. Despite our hopes, every month I became more surprised by my monthly cycle.

2011- Moved to Las Vegas chasing Hubby's dream of becoming a nurse. At this point we really wanted a child, but couldn't talk to others about it much because most of our family didn't approve since we were still in school and living with our parents.

2012- Life moves on and we emerse ourselves in work, school, and our church callings. We love the children we serve in our volunteer work. We try to focus our energies on them, our family and trying to become contributing adults. Starting to realize I will need a doctor in the mix to ever get pregnant.

2013- By this point we have experienced enough disappointment that I choose to stop taking pregnancy tests and just wait for my period each month. So my start day kind of became my grieve day...No, not a whole day. Usually just a moment of sadness because Hubby doesn't like when I dwell on the heartache.

2014- Hubby starts nursing school. We begin to focus more actively on concieving a child, although we still don't have insurance that covers any infertility treatments. We do what we can...Test my thyroid. My first Pap. Use home ovulation tests. Keep a detailed cycle record. Tracking Temp. By this point we have tried out  ALL the unwanted advice too: Raise your legs after sex. Eat this. Don't eat this. Lose 20 pounds. Don't pee right afterward. Stay laying down afterward. Have sex every other day. No, every day. Try to "Have Fun". And my personal favorite: Just Relax! You're too stressed. None of it worked, and now I know that most of this advice was not based in fact.

2015- This was the year I really buckled down and put my best effort forward and all the hope I had left. It was also when I began to feel more isolated. I believe its because no one around me truly knew or understood what we were going through with our infertility. Meanwhile, we had a lot of fun! We had lots of great times and lots of freedom. None of that can replace the miracle of having a child but we do love our life. This year we had a lot to look forward to as Hubby headed toward graduation.

2016- I stopped using ovulation tests and didn't keep as detailed records. Hubby Graduated and we moved back to Californa.

So, that brings us to today. This is so long, but I needed to let everyone know what's actually been happening to be able to continue to write about my daily experiences.

Sorry this is so heavy and serious. I know some people reading this will probably hate it, but I also know there is probably a woman out there just dyng to read the exact same words that have been bouncing around in her head for months or even years. Some of the things I will be writing I have been screaming inside myself for years, so my words may come off as insecure, immature, and even whiney. Please forgive me in advance and join me opening the conversation about infertility and letting the stigma and shame surrounding this condition fall away!

Recommitting to write

Stories from my Primary Class that soon will be moving up to the next class in the new year. No one ever told me it would be this hard to lose a class. We haven't even had them for a whole year and it feels like my heart is broken. Anyway, just wanted to remember some funny moments from them:

~I passed around a picture from my mom's gospel art kit.

Me: Kids...be careful with that picture. It's special.

Jesse: Why?

Me: Because it's my Mom's.

Jesse: Your Mom is ALIVE??

Kristin (The class smarty): Of course her Mom is alive, she isn't "that" old.

I tried not to melt into the carpet right there, as I thanked Kristin for her attempt to resurrect me from the obvious grave I'm living in. I can't believe I'm 22, and already "not THAT old." But I guess to an 8 year old...I'm ancient.

~Primary is a rough place to be on Sunday. But not for the reasons people think. Those little tykes are honest, and they notice everything. They have definitely challenged my "Sunday Best." They notice every fly away hair, hang nail, dry spot, missed when shaving spot, left over nail polish, make up smudge, twisted necklace, and (heaven forbid) deodorant crease. I don't think I'm cut out for this job. If I had known I had to be a model, I may not have agreed to it.

If only they would give that much attention to the lessons I prepare. ;)

~I know I still haven't gotten over that feeling of joy when I get to sway back and forth in a really fancy dress. But for an 8 year old, it's irresistible. They must play with their top layer of tulle or whatever fancy material they have. My attempts to get them to lower their coverings only work about 20 percent of the time. But one day, in sharing time, there was no stopping her. Cici just could not stop. I looked over at her and smiled and lowered her hand gently, so at least one side of her dress would be down. I turned away to help somebody remember that Jesus doesn't hit people. When I turned back Cici had the white tulle over her face. "Look! I'm a bwide," she exclaimed. She looked so excited and silly. We all just laughed. She looked truly joyful. I learned a lesson, unless we see panties, I let them enjoy their dress.

~That one time that Emma didn't answer my question with, "cheese," "poop," "rabbit," or "your face." She answered a question with a real answer and her face was meek and mild, and that girl is hardly ever meek and mild. That's when I knew that God was working in that class. I wasn't the one teaching them.

~Jesse is one of those sweet boys, with no filter, and a need for attention. He often tests my patience, and seems to expect me to get mad. When I don't he softens. It's really sweet. His sister is also in our class, Faith. Faith is similar to Jesse, but off in her own wonderland. Tess is a mature little cutie. When I say little, I mean it. If she wasn't so tiny, I probably wouldn't believe she belongs in our class. They are special to me. I often hope they know I love them.

Jesse: Excuse me. I need to share something with the class.

Robby: Ok, Jesse. What is it?

Jesse: I just wanted to say that I think all the girls in this class are hot! Except Faith, cuz she is my sister, so she is gross.

Tess: Oh no... I shouldn't have curled my hair today! (As she covers her face).

Robby and Me: Fail at trying to keep straight faces.

~In the Valiant 8 class, it's dangerous to call on someone who willingly raises their hand to answer.

Case 1

Me: Yes, Tyler.

Tyler: Punch ya in the face.

Case 2

Me: Yes, Tyler.

Tyler: Sis. Hoge is a boy. Haha. And Bro. Hoge is a girl.

Case 3

Me: Yes, Tyler.

Tyler: Take a car... and punch you in the face.

Case 4

Me: Yes, Tyler. Do you have a real answer this time?

Tyler: Yep. You're a boy, so punch you in the face.

Kristin: That doesn't even make sense, Tyler!

Case 5

Robby: Does anyone know what our lesson is about today? Yes, Tyler?

Tyler: Jesus...*mumble mumble*... Cheese (no doubt, Emma's influence)... Punch in the face.

Robby: Close.

~We have learned alot from teaching in primary. Like, I know I want a big family and I think I could handle a lot of kids. Our class have 11-12 kids in it. But one thing we have not figured out is what to say to a student who wants to talk about their dead relatives. Or family problems. Or what color panties they are wearing. Or how scared they are of their grandma. Or how they want to hit people. Or about their Mom's pregnancy (when she hasn't told anyone in the ward yet). How do you shut them up? Or keep the spirit?

Jesse: Excuse me, I need to tell the class something. (Yes, he does like to make announcements).

Me: Ok. Is it about the lesson?

Jesse: *Concentrated look* Umm... Ya. ya. It is.

Me: Alright.

Jesse: Uh, Satan is evil and he lives down there. *points to the ground under his feet*

Me: Thank you, Jesse.

Jesse: Wait. I'm not done.

Me: Jesse, how is this about the lesson?

Jesse: Cuz Satan wants to come inside us and make us do bad things. He lives down there in H-E-...L.

~The moment when I told each one of them why I loved them. Gage, because he is such a good leader for the rest of the class. James, because of his insights into the gospel. Brooke, because she always offers to say the prayer. I continued to tell them I know Jesus and Heavenly Father love them.

Brooke: Not me.

Me: Brooke, of course Jesus loves you. You know that, right?

Brooke: No.

Me: (With my head spinning) But Brooke, that's what I teach you every Sunday. Do you think your parents and sisters love you?

Brooke: Yes.

Me: Well Heavenly Father is your Father and Jesus is your older brother. They love you very much.

Brooke: How do I know? I've never met them.

Me: They have known you a long time and you can know they love you by praying and asking.

Brooke: No.

Kristin: Stop, Brooke. You know they love you. You're just joking.

Brooke then smiled and I realized I had just been tested, but not just by Brooke.